If I had a post …

For every time I have tried to post in the last couple of weeks – you would have a lot to read!

When I am at work, driving home, watching television anywhere I am not in front of the computer I have a million ideas for posts.  By the time I get to sit down to a computer, however, either I have no idea what to write, or every idea feels like it is going to take too much time/effort to write well.

You know, come to think of it, that describes all my writing perfectly. It takes too much time, and too much effort.

For now, I’m keeping a list of everything I want to write when I have the time.  I’m reading (listening to) some interesting stuff, watching some crappy television that will be fun to pick apart later, and doing a bunch of writing that only 5 people in the world will read —- if I am lucky.  The number is actually closer to 3 (the people on my committee).

At coffee with Dr. Phoenix today I realized one of my fears about the dissertation is that someone will actually read it.  I mean, if it ever gets to this point, once I turn it into the graduate school they are going to publish it.  People will actually be able to search for it in library databases.  It will be out there FOREVER!!!!!

{Excuse me while I go breathe slowly into a paper bag and take a xanax.}

Yes, I am well aware that, for a girl with a blog, being afraid that someone will actually read your work is more than a little absurd.  Knowing this fear is absurd doesn’t really make it any less stress inducing.

Besides, in my head at least, blogging doesn’t really count as sharing my writing. First, site stats aside, I generally operate under the assumption that no one anywhere is really reading this.  I might pretend to a broader audience, but really I just write for Ouiser because I assume she is my only reader.  Yes, I know Alisha stops by occasionally, but Ouiser is the voice in my head as I write.

Second, the last time I showed someone a piece of my writing it was 9th or 10th grade.  I’d started a cheesy teen romance over the summer, and I showed it to my friend Nifty-Neato Nina.  It wasn’t traumatic or anything. I think she was encouraging.  I just don’t generally show people my writing, but if I finish the dissertation, people will see my writing. Not just a book review, or training materials, they will also see my thinking, my ideas.  It terrifies me.

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