I’ve quite the collection of drafts from this month and very few actual posts. The world around us all has been chaotic and hard this month. I uploaded this picture of mine to the media folder for a draft about feeling hollow. The post was raw, written at around five am after glancing at the headlines and feeling completely vulnerable and helpless. It also wouldn’t post for reasons I still haven’t figured out.

It was difficult to find a picture in my photo library that captured the hollow feeling flooding me. This shot from the Oklahoma City Myriad Botanical Garden came closest. The empty spaciousness of this large room, the cool, shadowy nature of the space felt right. That morning, the bright light of the outside world, the trees, their shadows, the warmth felt so far from where I was, where we were, though, that I almost didn’t use it. It felt too much like a hope I couldn’t muster.

To me, the saddest thing about losing that post from last week is that I don’t remember what set me off, what made me feel so completely depleted. I don’t remember because the blows keep coming; I don’t remember, because the specific blow doesn’t matter any more. I’d tentatively titled that post “Ebb and Flow,” I know I was trying to remind myself that becoming hollow creates space to refill.

Refilling is what I’ve tried to focus on the last couple of weeks. Enjoying the brief time I had with Ouiser, catching up with people using actual communication – not just memes, creating the best environment possible for my team, and remembering to practice self-compassion. In her book Self Compassion Kristen Neff provides a mantra for hard times that came back to me as I re-shelved books in the new office.

This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is a part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment.

I’ve often adapted this mantra for whatever situation is wearing me down, and I find it helpful. The reminder to be kind to myself prompts me to focus on refilling and rehabilitating myself. Taking the time to do the soft things like take a candle lit bath in my wonderful tub, sitting by a fire pit for a glass of wine in the evening and a cup of coffee in the morning; and doing the hard things, eating well, getting movement into every day, writing, maintaining my restorative practices even when I don’t “want” to.

This is a moment of suffering. Collectively and individually we are suffering, and we don’t know how long this moment will last or how deep it will become. Suffering is a part of life. It is natural and okay to feel hollow, to feel depleted when the suffering is so large, when it just keeps coming. Up right and breathing is sometimes the absolutely best we can do in a day. Recognizing and naming the suffering is the first step that will allow us to start ameliorate the suffering. May I be kind to myself in this moment. This mantra helps me remember to be kind to myself when I start calling myself stupid and lazy for not doing all the things right all the time. It also helps me remember to be kind to others when I can.

Remembering to be kind to myself and others is always the first step in refilling myself. We don’t have much time to refill these days. The blows come swiftly and drain away the little reserves we have. It’s okay to feel hollow, to have days that feel hopeless. It’s natural, but so is refilling. We just have to keep going until this moment passes.